1st treatment

Sorry it’s been so long since I’ve updated, it’s been a rough last few weeks and the last thing I wanted to do was open the computer and share my experiences and feelings.

I went in on  Monday June 13^th to get my porta-cath placed.

I started my 1^st chemo treatment on Tuesday June 14^th.  It wasn’t too bad that first day. It didn’t really hurt when they put the needle in my porta-cath. Brandon and my mom both came. Brandon was pretty tired from not sleeping well. Luckily he was able to curl up in the recliner and rest. My mom and I played cards. (I won). We were there for about 3 hours. When I was done, they hooked my up to my sweet fanny pack for the next 46 hours. Afterwards Brandon’s aunt and uncle dropped off food to my mom and I while they took Brandon out to eat (us girls were too tired). We ate our food at my uncles house. It was crazy how fast my neuropathy kicked in. I couldn’t drink cold drinks by the time we got to my uncles. It didn’t really affect my hands or feet much. If I drank anything cold it felt like I was choking, or like I had a horrible case of strep throat. I could feel a tiny difference when I washed my hands in cold water. But it didn’t stink like I thought it would. By the next night I was so sick. I didn’t want to move. I wasn’t nauseated, but my stomach was so uneasy that I could have thrown up. I wasn’t in any pain, just SUPER tired. I could sleep all day! Food tasted so gross. I had no appetite. I always had a “mediciney” taste in my mouth. The smell, look, texture and taste of food made me want to vomit. It would take me forever to eat half a muffin. My mom was amazing though and made me try different foods every 2 hours. If we didn’t have it, she’d go get it. I was sick from Wednesday night till about Saturday.  

 By Sunday the 19^th I was feeling a little better. In the evenings I’d get pretty sick. Everyday got a little better! By Wednesday I had hope that I’d live a normal life again and this wasn’t the end of my life and the quality of life wasn’t going to be so bad. Thursday came around and my stomach started hurting and I got really tired again and didn’t want to move. It felt like I had stomach flu. I had a fever and diarrhea. Luckily I wasn’t throwing up. But by Saturday night (after my fundraiser auction…which I talk about later) I had thrown up about 3-4 times. I was shivering so bad that my lower back hurt SO badly. If my fever went above 101 we were supposed to call the clinic. It never went above that all week. The closest it got was 100.9. Anyways, Brandon called the clinic about 12:30am (now Sunday morning). They said we needed to head to the ER. That was the last place I wanted to go. But obviously something was wrong and I couldn’t keep anything down and was super dehydrated. We made it to the ER and patiently (like always) wait for a nurse to come in and start my fluids. Finally my nurse comes in. But he was in no hurry to get my fluids going. Maybe he’s never felt this sick before? About an hour later he comes in with my stuff. As he’s setting up, the x-ray tech comes in and says he’s ready to take me back to run tests. He asks me if I can stand without passing out. I told him not really, and asked if I could get some fluids in first. He said ok, but my nurse, being the awesome nurse he is, says you can stand for a minute it’s not that bad. I wanted to kill him. I’m so sick, throwing up, in pain, passing out if I sit up and he wants to delay my fluids this much longer AND make me stand?! Idiot. Ok fine whatever. I made Brandon come with to hold me up. We come back from x-ray and waited another 15-20 mins for my awesome nurse to come in. By the time he came back in to hook me up, the CT tech comes in to take me back. I said NO! I’m sorry but I’m gonna die if I don’t get something in me. Thank goodness I knew him and he was understanding. By the time we got my fluids in and back from CT it was probably 3am…? Too be honest I had no idea what time it was. Last thing on my mind.

Poor Brandon was falling asleep in this tiny chair, so I asked the nurse if they had a waiting room somewhere so Brandon could lay down. Before he went back we said a prayer that they wouldn’t find anything serious and that Brandon could get sleep so his body wouldn’t get sick. After he went back, I turned out my lights and tried sleeping. But didn’t sleep at all. Different people kept coming in asking questions, making me pee in a cup and giving me HUGE horse pills to choke on….I mean swallow. The DR finally came in and said I had colitis. Thank goodness nothing too serious. I was so scared they were gonna find something on the CT scan and have to do surgery again. He said they wanted to keep me over night for observation. Not excited but necessary. I got up to the floor about 5am, and I was exhausted! I don’t remember much after that. The DR did want 2 stool samples though, so sometime in that sleepy, druggy mess I got that for them. I didn’t have an appetite at all while I was there, threw up a few more times and pooped the bed…again. In my defense I was on morphine, ambien and had horrible diarrhea and I started to get up to go and just didn’t quite make it. Sorry nurse! Well turns out I had C-diff. I don’t know a ton about it, but I know (now from experience) its painful and no fun! It’s contagious too….yiles! I finally got home today (Tuesday June 28) about 1pm. Brandon and I were sitting there and he said are you ok? I just broke down crying. I’m so tired of being sick. I hate this already. I was so optimistic at first and now this is driving me to the ground very fast. I pray so hard for His help and that I can make it through this. I pray for an appetite. I pray Brandon won’t get sick of this and hate the choice he made to marry me. I cry a lot. I’m so emotional these days. I try to stay happy and remember it’ll be ok one day and this is a huge trial in our lives but sometimes I get depressed and thing it’s not fair! My mom went home, I don’t have family here, all my friends can work, some are having kids, they’re going camping, going on vacations and here I am sick. Here I am trying to gag food down and at least maintain my weight. I’m sorry if I let people down, I’m just being honest. I know a lot of people look up to me because of my attitude, but it’s so hard to be so sick and keep a smile on my face.