Another Night of No Sleep

So this evening I figured, instead of just staring at the ceiling and not sleeping, I would update our blog. I know I have told several people about our situation leading up to where we are now; but I feel like I should share, with everyone, each blessing and how I have seen the lord’s hand in our life. I seriously doubt there is ever a good time to get cancer but the lord has provided a way for this to be easier than it really could have been.

As many of you know we have been trying to start a family for more than a year now; blessing number one. I was always slightly reserved about having kids; I want kids but just never had a great feeling about it all. I always used the financial excuse, cuz frankly that aspect scared the poo out of me. Eventually I got over that, with much prayer and with the help of being around a few really cute kids. I really did want to have our own kids then. We started trying but without success and it really wore on Jillyn and just before the cancer hit I even suggested adoption to Jillyn. Not that a child would be a miracle but if Jillyn was pregnant or if I had an infant to care for I would be SUNK. I know we haven’t been able to start our family because of what we know now; truly the lord was looking out for us, maybe mostly me.

Next was Jillyn's job. She had tried and tried to find work that she enjoyed since we married. After 4 years of searching and jumping around a great friend, Amber, referred her at the hospital where she got on around April last year. We were able to get on their insurance and she hadn’t ever had insurance before then and THAT was huge. One of the other bonus blessings is that when Jillyn did go through all her surgeries she had them done at her hospital. She knew all her doctors, RN's and CNA's and just the comfort of familiar faces in the hospital for the 10 days she was there was great for Jillyn.

Back in October I took a test to get on with the US Border patrol. I did well getting a 94 out of 100 and was very excited. Jillyn and I had prayed about it then and it felt good to pursue. I followed all the red tape and jumped through all the hoops, even taking a trip down to San Diego for an oral interview. Things were good and I was ready for a job change that would take us closer to family. Later I actually injured my shoulder at work, which I see now was probably the first sign not to join up. Over the next month I started feeling more and more uneasy about joining the border patrol and then received a notice in which the BP wanted a detailed medical review of my shoulder, my crohns, and my thumb injury. That, and a gut feeling, was the final straw to stop my pursuing  of a career with the border patrol. I CANNOT even imagine being in New Mexico for the 6 months of training and getting news that Jillyn has cancer. I have been blessed with a great job at Boswell and they have been overly understanding in letting me take care of my wife when she needs me most. I am so glad not to have left them and they have been a great support system of friends and co-workers that have made the last month easier on me. Several friends from Boswell Olsen I would like to name specifically have helped so very much; Justin, Bryce, Brent, Dave, Jeremy, Clint, Casey, and Tim. There are others but those men really have gone above and beyond in supporting Jillyn and I. The lord has placed many people in Jillyn’s and my life and they have made lasting impressions that will be remembered for our entire lives.

In April the opportunity to move into Grandpa Hansen’s house and help him with his progressing Alzheimer’s came along. We moved in and although Grandpa went back to Arizona for several reasons we have been able to stay here and help keep the house maintained. It has helped tremendously to not have to worry about our mortgage and even more importantly the ward we moved into. I'm not saying our old ward was bad, but they were younger and in our current ward we have a lot of retirees who have all day to assist us in our time of need. I've been overwhelmed with the support and love from our new ward. I know we moved to Grandpas for a reason and I don’t feel it was so much for Grandpa but for us and what has come into our lives now.

Lastly is the change in me. I don’t feel like I’m a bad guy but maybe I get slothful and a little lethargic when it comes to the important things or what should be important. I feel like I’ve wasted thousands of hours on my Xbox or at work and I want them all back to spend with Jillyn. I want to be better everyday for my Jillyn. I want to be with her as much as I can and laugh and cry and smile and watch sunsets with her. The little things, holding hands, being able to just hug one another, laugh together, go camping and do the things we love together. It truly is incredible how fast your perceptions of what the world is and what matters can change. How much just a smile or a hello, how are you? can make someone else’s day the slightest bit brighter. If things don’t end up how we've planned; I want to make sure I'm worthy to meet back with her again one day and be together forever and bask in our heavenly fathers love together. When my time comes to return home to him, I know I won’t wish that I had spent 5 more hours a week at work or 7 more hours a week on my Xbox; but I will have wanted more time with the girl I love no matter when that time comes. This whole experience is truly bittersweet; I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster for 6 weeks but I would not change it for anything, because it has made me better.

Thanks for all your love, support, and donations too, it means the world to us, really. Even those people we don’t know, your comments and love mean just as much because you have gone out of your way to give selfless love to strangers. It has renewed my faith in humanity when strangers wish is well. So thank you all, with much hope and love, ~Brandon