Treatment #2

 well here we are again at the clinic for treatment #2. I will be honest, I was scared to death to go back. This place reminds me of meds, being sick, not being able to touch or drink cold drinks and feeling weird as my neuropathy kicks in. But with the help of this amazing man, holding my hand, we made it to the clinic. The rest of the week is a different story, which I'll get to later.

 My face shows the way I feel about them stabbing me and sucking blood from me!

 Showing this is treatment #2. After Brandon took this pic I asked, did I close my eyes. He said nope but you look very unhappy. Well I was and clearly it showed in this pic.

I'm a little hesitant in sharing this story, but I feel like maybe someone else out there may be going through a hard time and can relate and just maybe this will help.

I was very optimistic at the beginning of everything and then treatments started. By this second one, I was upset and very depressed. To the point of not wanting to eat. Not wanting to get out of bed and honestly, didn't have a will to live. It's not that I wanted to kill myself, but I would have been ok to just leave this world. Let me explain a little. Brandon goes to work, I'm home alone, with absolutely nothing to do but think about how sick I am, how this isn't fair, how I don't have my family here or my close friends, and I sunk into depression. I didn't smile, I didn't laugh, and I just didn't care about a dang thing. I was having an especially hard day one day, and I got into the tub and cried and cried and cried. I tried praying for help, but just didn't know how and didn't feel anything. I wanted to call my mom, but was crying so hard I couldn't talk. I text her saying I hate it here, I don't care anymore and I don't have a will to live. She immediately said your dad and I are going to pray. Within a few minutes, I calmed down and just sat in the tub. We exchanged texts back and forth about how we can fix this. We came up with Brandon and I packing our clothes, just leaving everything as it is and moving in with my parents just during chemo and move back to UT after. We'd get Brandon a job with my brothers, my mom would make sure I'm eating and healthy too, my family would be around to take my mind off of things and I'd have my sisters there everyday to goof off with. Perfect solution! Brandon and I talked later about this, but he said he didn't have a good feeling about this. And no I'm not trying to throw my husband under the bus while writing this! He just said he didn't have a good feeling about it and I just didn't understand why! I was so upset. Why couldn't he understand that family is what I need and want right now. Yes I'm being selfish. I want to be happy. For a couple of days I was upset. Brandon came to me one night and said, I just feel like Heavenly Father gave us this trial to get through it together and become closer. Crap! How can I complain with that? I was still frustrated but was trying to be understanding. I tried to read scriptures that night but couldn't. I went to bed upset that night and didn't sleep. The next morning I got onto facebook....daily routine....and had a message from a friend in my parents ward, she explained to me about a very hard trial she was facing in her life and it was the greatest message I've ever read! I hope she doesn't mind me posting this, but this was the part that stuck out in my mind...this comes straight from her, "I pictured a big long line of people (spirits) like you and me coming to him in the garden and we each had just a moment, but in that moment that we had him to ourselves, it felt like an eternity. We had his complete and undivided attention and if we wanted to stay with him for hours, he would have let us. But in that moment, our spirits connected and he just felt everything inside of us, all the pain, joy, sickness, grief, fear, frustration, it just flowed to him and we also felt him. All the peace, reassurance, willingness, and comfort that it will all be ok". When I read this, I pictured so vividly in my mind, that it was my turn to talk to Him. And I started praying and crying out loud but with the picture of me in front of Him. I asked Him why me? Help me to be happy, help me to lay my burdens down, help me to understand, help me to eat, help me to want to live, help me to fully engage myself in the spirit and the Gospel, help me to not be sick, help me to find the things that make me happy. I prayed for a few minutes. As I finished I just sat there for a minute. I felt calm. I felt like he understood my pain (which of course he does), I felt like I could move on with my life now. I felt as though something had been lifted off of me. I was happy, I started smiling and laughing again that day. I started thinking about what makes me happy. My family. My sisters. Music. I immediately started looking at pictures and watching videos of my family and sisters. I pulled out my hard drive with probably a million pics, and just went through them. I laughed and cried, but I was happy. I make it a point to listen to my music daily. I pulled out the guitar...yep still suck at it. Mimi and Toby, I need some guitar lessons. I'm still very sad I can't move to AZ for 5 months but we've made some changes around here to be happy. Brandon goes to work super early, so he can be home by 1pm. We sit in the back yard every night, we watch movies and shows together that we love and we're going to try and make sure we get out of the house, go camping on an off week of chemo. My attitude has changed and I'm ready to take this on again. I want a family, I want to play with my kids, I want to bake and cook for my family, I want to go on family vacations, I want all of the things my family and friends have. And I will some day, it just takes time and patience. We are headed down to AZ for my dinner and silent auction next week and I'm SO SO SO excited to see my family and friends! I'll be sure to take LOTS of pics so I can look at them when I'm having a rough day and remember to smile it'll be ok!
I've been reading more about the Atonement and remember that I can always have my turn with Him in the Garden of Gethsemane anytime I need or want to! This brings me happiness and keeps me calm.

As for the chemo side, we are finding meds that help with my anxiety that also helps with my nausea, so I'm not as sick! Kind of exciting! I can move around the house more because of this. I'm very tired and get exhausted quickly but hoping the more I move around my strength will come back. I'm going to try to go back to work part time starting the 27th. Very nervous about this for many reason. Being tired, overwhelmed, not being able to eat or drink when my body needs it, getting sick from other employee's or patients. But I'm optimistic about it and hoping it'll take my mind off of things too.

I also don't want people to read this and feel sorry for me because I was so depressed. Just sayin.
Also, we're about 90% sure we're going to the Big Island Hawaii after chemo!!! That will definitely push me through!