cancergirlproblems

Wow...well I honestly didn't think I'd ever be back on this blog. It took me a good 10 mins to figure out my log in and password. 
So I've had a ton of questions about the news we received this week, and I wanted to post it for whoever to read...
While I was in the hospital recovering from my ovary removal surgery (on sept 19th), my surgeon came in, I believe it was the next day, (still a little high from the drugs) and said surgery went really well, I cut you open a little bigger (which was an under statement) than anticipated, just to get a really good look inside. He then continued to say how he couldn't decide where to cut me open. He said he was thinking of going in through my belly button to scope things out, but then decided not to...pretty sure someone was watching over me, because he said when he cut me open, if he had gone through my belly button, he would have cut right into my colon. Can you imagine?! I would've been in the hospital forever if he had! And not to mention all the problems to follow. I'm so so thankful our prayers we said before surgery about the Dr being on top of his game were answered. Anyway, so then he says, oh yeah there's no cancer! I'm thinking, sweet!!! This is the greatest news! I wasn't really too worried about it being cancer because nothing had shown up on the scans and I've been feeling great! Just this stupid ovary that decided to get as big as a tennis ball. But it was still calming to hear this. After he left, I called Brandon and told him what the Dr had said, and then he asks me, well was that just him saying there's no cancer, or is that from the pathology report? (He had told us before surgery it takes about a week to get results). I said, you know he didn't say, but I'll ask him tomorrow. So the next day when the Dr was making his rounds on me, I asked him if he knew it wasn't cancer because of the pathology report or because he didn't see any cancer when he was in surgery...he says, because I didn't see any. Oh okay sounds great, see ya tomorrow. I believed and trusted his word because what Dr would tell his patient it's not cancer if he's not certain right?! So I go home, start healing, preparing myself to go back to work on Oct 20th. We had a follow up appt with my surgeon on the 30th. While we were in his office, he explains that he and my new oncologist (since my other one just up and left to St George) had discussed for a long time, that this ovary that had just been removed WAS from my colon cancer. At some point it jumped over to the opposite side and was very aggressive. And let me just say, NO cancer patient wants to hear the word aggressive. It's terrifying. So I'm trying to take this in, and he continues to say that I'll need to get with my oncologist as soon as possible and start my scans every 3 months instead of 6 months. But then says, I'm guessing you won't have to do chemo again, It sounds like your oncologist doesn't want to. Needless to say, I left this appt feeling mostly good. Not the greatest news BUT I was convinced I wouldn't have to do chemo again. Because what Dr would tell there patients this unless he was certain right?! Brandon on the other hand left this appt feeling very sad and frustrated. He was convinced the cancer was back and I was gonna be doing chemo again. Long ride home that day. I made an appt with the oncologist that same day for Oct 2nd. Long story short, I'm doing chemo again. I cried, of course. So friggen frustrated and upset. After the Dr left the room we just sat there and cried for a minute. I kinda laughed...how ridiculous is this I said to Brandon? The scary part about this is, the oncologist said at this point, there's no end date to my chemo. WHAT!? I had to do 6 months 12 rounds last time and that was long enough. He said I could be doing chemo for yrs or even the rest of my life. That right there my friends was the WORST news I have ever received in my life.
So I start chemo on Wed the 9th. I go get my porta-cath put back in (arrghhhh) at 7am and once I'm done with that, I'll go straight upstairs and start my 1st round of chemo. Good news is, I'll probably be so tired from the anesthesia that I'll sleep through my 1st treatment. Bad news is, when i do wake up, I'll probably wish I never had. 
Here are my chemogirlproblems, stresses, concerns or whatever you want to call them...I'm so scared I'm going to lose a ton of weight again and have a feeding tube put in this time. I'm already going into this chemo lighter than I was the 1st time. I'm trying to pack on all the weight I can but my body doesn't collect weight very well. I'm trying to eat as much protein as possible, drink as much protein as possible and eat as many sticks of butter as possible...jk :-) But seriously. 
My biggest stress right now, is the fact that I have to work again through all of this. Well I did it before I can do it again right?...Well this time around, Brandon's a full time student and not working, I'm the only income for our family. Last time I was able to work JUST enough hours to cover the insurance taken out of my check. Which was probably 20-30 hours in two weeks. Because Brandon's not working,  I have to work full time hours and because we're on a higher insurance tier this time, I can't go down to 20-30 hours in two weeks. This time around it's 64 hours in two weeks! That's super easy when you're not so sick and having chemo take up so many days in the week. I really truly don't know how in the world I'm going to do this. I have the determination to do this, but it's the physical strength I won't have, to work almost everyday I'm not at the clinic doing chemo. I just have to push through until the summer...Brandon graduates next summer and will hopefully get a job asap and he can carry the insurance :-) and I'll go down to part time again. I like this plan.
I'm trying to have faith and put my trust and self in His hands. I know He will make this happen, just not sure how. 
So it's just like last time, I'll go into the clinic for about 3-4 hours and get infused, then go home on a pump, continuously being infused for 48 hours, then go back to the clinic to have my pump taken off, given a cell boosting shot (that costs $7000 a shot before insurance). This shot gives me the worst bone aches I've ever had. There's literally no way of describing the pain. I go home after getting the shot, shower, eat if I can and get all ready for sleep...because the only way of getting through the bone aches, is to take heavy pain meds and sleeping pills and knock myself completely out. Then I get better for the next week just to do it all again. ...while working of course. Ew.
I know I'm going through this awful trial for a reason. That reason is beyond me. I'm trying my best (again) to be happy and stay positive but I know I'll have my bad days, and I'll get super grumpy and sad. I'm asking those that pray for me, if you will be specific with your prayers...I need physical strength for work and I need to eat. Thank you!
It makes me super sad for the future too. I was planning on starting school in January at UVU to knock my generals out so I could start the Radiology Tech program up at Weber. Thats not happening now. I'm barely gonna have enough time to work. And the whole baby thing...won't even go there. The one thing that really pushes me through chemo is the possibility that I could finish up faster than the oncologist thinks and then make a baby quick. But once again it comes down to Heavenly Father having a plan for me. I just have to trust in Him.
You know, every time I try to grow my hair out, or have a surgery, the cancer comes back. I'm seeing a trend here.
I'll keep everyone updated just like last time. Keep smiling!